Me and My Will
If you read my previous post (see Discovering My Passion), I spoke of my 21 short years and the passion that I pursued since the age of nine. In context, I've been drawing/painting, creating, for a little over 12 years: I'll be 22 this fall. Besides being an artist, I am the mother of two boys, Jasper (almost 2) and Solstice (currently 3 months), and I would be lying if I said keeping up with my art, my pages, and taking care of these energetic two while simultaneously keeping the house maintained was an easy thing for me to do. In fact, it's terribly difficult at times. The only time of day I have available to create is when Jasper falls asleep. I often work until at least 3am, and then I'm back up again as early as 8 or 9 in the morning. Now I'm not complaining, in fact, I'm very grateful to be able to stay home with my babies. I get to see them grow up under my supervision versus that of a daycare worker or babysitter, and I'm amazed at how they grow and change with each passing day. I'm proud of my boys, and as their mother, I want to be someone they are proud of as well. And so, I'm finally taking time to commit to my art, and slowly but surely getting my name out into the world. I want them to recognize their mom as a hard worker, who didn't give up on her dreams despite what others have told her.
"You can't accomplish anything until your kids are grown." is a phrase I've heard way too often. In all bluntness, the reason for such cynicism lies in how bad an aspiration is truly wanted. "Where there is a will, there is a way," as they say. So, if you believe as they do, your will is not as strong as you think. Now, I am not bashing on anyone who has fallen victim to negative, very circumstantial thoughts. In fact, I understand all too well; I've fallen into that abyss for most of my life. "I'm not good enough. What if no one likes my art? I'll never make it far. I can't find the time" are just a few of the things I've told myself at the corner of each disappointment or misunderstanding. I've wanted to just give up, as I found it much easier to do so. But that's the thing, isn't it? Nothing we have to work for is supposed to be easy. Paired with that truth, another emerges; wanting to accomplish an aspiration has everything to do with your mentality. As of now, I am forcing myself to believe in my talent and worth, and it combats every fiber of my mental makeup. It's hard to have confidence in myself, but I am happier because of it. Even on the hard days, if all I can do is paint for 30 minutes, then I'll do it. I will harbor every minute I'm given and keep pushing toward my desired outcome. Yoda explains it best, "do or do not, there is no try." As a side note, thanks Dad for the overused quote, it's still one of my favorites.